01 October, 2011

My bid for the presidency

Put down your forks and spoons. Put down your beverage. It will only take a minute.

It totally would not surprise me to end up President of the United States.

Unless you have to, I don't know, apply yourself.

This thought came to me as I was eating my lunch today. After I had corrected the problem of eating too fast. But only after I got a piece of rice stuck up in my sinus cavity. Don't ask.

WHILE I was licking my plate.

And it was SO hilarious. But I really have a lot going for me!

I am not very slutty. I don't have anything against sleeping around, don't get me wrong! And sleeping around could totally have solved some of my problems. But I really haven't done that much of it. Or frankly, enough it. We're talking years of accidental celibacy here, people.

And it seems like everyone is TOTALLY going to find out how slutty you are, if you run for president. With men, it doesn't really seem to matter that much. But I try not to expect fairness. I've got to play the hand that I'm dealt, and I actually like most of it.

I have plenty of time. Who knows how long I will live, but seriously, let's suppose that I am not far past my mid-life non-crisis. I have approximately 35-40 more years to work on the problem of getting elected. It usually takes a man longer than that, obviously. But I am starting with a TON of advantages.

  1. I can already feed myself, walk, talk, and use the lavatory. Not to mention reading and writing!
  2. I have a great rack. Seriously. It's not my best feature, but for some reason it gets a lot of attention.
  3. I think I have very few illusions. I'm not sure that this is actually an advantage, and I honestly prefer delusions a teeny tiny bit. As long as they are more fun than, you know, cynicism.
  4. I believe in god. AND I accept that it is not a rational belief. Theists and atheists alike will be overjoyed! Or at least not offended. Whatever.
  5. I love puppies and babies and will do almost anything to be a photo-op. I don't even care about the photo, though I will sit still for it.
  6. I still have time to get married and have a kid! This is not really an advantage, as I am not holding my breath. But, you know, if I did apply myself to the goal of becoming the president of the USA, this is TOTALLY the first thing I would do. Because single people without kids don't get a lot of credit for their contributions to society.
  7. I am not intimidated by anyone who knows better stuff. Bring it on, I am ready for it!
  8. I am a little bit phobic about looking like a fool, but not actually afraid of it. See my comments about sluts above.
  9. By the time I convince everyone else that I am a good nomination choice, I will probably be a little old lady. I really feel like a little old lady is more sympathetic to a lot of voters than any other kind of candidate. Is there any other rational explanation for Margaret Thatcher? And if I can give the impression that I can make us all safe as well? LANDSLIDE.
  10. I totally have all the best ideas about how to solve the worst problems ever.
That last point is not much of an advantage, of course. It doesn't seem to be relevant, somehow. And I also don't care about all of the worst problems equally. There are so many! I am more of a one-thing-at-a-time sort of girl right now, and can't even be bothered to write something funny about a lot of horrible problems, even though it combines my three favorite things.

Maybe I'll become a goat herder instead. It seems like it might be more difficult, but I'm SURE it uses many of the same strengths.

And it would not be as taxing on any of my weaknesses. Eating, sleeping, and bathing.

As I sit here, admiring my fine work, a miracle occurred. I sneezed, and the piece of rice came out of my nose! I can not tell you what a relief this is. Usually I end up with a sinus infection and grody discharges the like of which you can easily go find a picture of on the internet. Which I do not advise.

Eat carefully, people. You can thank me later.

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