31 July, 2011

Change. Yuck.

Hey, did I tell you about the fabulous plan I found that has really let me drop the pounds? No? Well I’m not going to tell you about it now, either. (I really do love it, but though I find it incredibly simple, everybody I tell about seems all “I can’t do that”, so I’m keeping my mouth shut.) It isn’t quick. A lot of diets show fast results and a lot of fitness programs can improve your fitness dramatically in 6-8 weeks. No, this is not that.

But it works, and I’ve been slowly sliding down the scale, at least 40 pounds so far. Which is a heck of a lot for most people, but people are only just beginning to notice. Or at least comment. I’ll probably still be above a size 16 after I lose a hundred MORE pounds, so while it’s noticeable that I’ve lost weight, it’s not as significant as a 40 pound loss would be for many of us. But my body is changing.

An inspiration of mine is frequently discussing that change entails death of the ego associated with the part that’s going away. It’s true! But I don’t have that much ego attached to the parts that were going away. I was and am fat, I did eat too much and move too little, but deep in my heart, in many ways I was in denial of these facts. My mental self image was way more Marilyn Monroe than Camryn Manheim (though I am, of course, actually much fatter than I have ever seen Camryn). 

I practice, as I have mentioned before, excellent mental hygiene. Some of this practice has involved trying not to think things that make me feel bad. I’ve actually decided to change that, but I do plan to judge my thoughts as promoting mental health or detrimental to it, and I fully admit to a preference to the former. (Note I did not say happiness. I’m of the opinion that happiness is not a good goal--it’s something that happens to you along the way.) 

I’m also pretty wary of “the story”. Which is, we often tell ourselves a story about why other people do whatever it is they do (or don’t do, if neglect is the issue). A lot of girls fall for a specific guy, try to use the force on him, or sometimes more direct means to influence his fancy, and become extremely frustrated if he doesn’t return those feelings. Then they’ll make up a story--often about how if they could have been better in some way (usually visually), those feelings would have sprouted inside the heart of their beloved. Is this story likely to be true? 

Maybe to some degree. (Most likely not, in my opinion.) Is this story helpful? You’ve given something Totally Outside Your Control your best effort, and you’re not getting what you want. Can you improve on your best effort? Really? You didn’t give it your best shot the first time? 

In fact, the story is a lie. In fact, love sprouted in your heart, and it didn’t sprout in his. Maybe he didn’t have the right fertilizer. Maybe that fertilizer needed to be applied in childhood, so he could grow into a loving and healthy man. Maybe a different sprout is already growing within him and he had no room left over for you. Maybe it’s all bullshit. 

What can you do to change yourself so your dream guy will love you? Nothing. I am not saying noone will love you. You should love you. I love you. Some guy (or girl) will love you. You can do things to change yourself. There’s usually a lot of room for improvement. But changing yourself to make someone else inspired by you is impossible. Inspiration cannot be scheduled or planned. It, like happiness, just happens.

I feel like I’ve digressed a lot from my main point here, which is ugh, I have to get new clothes and I hate shopping. Oh yeah, the death of the ego, uh, change sucks. yeah. Maybe next time.

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