God's Plan

I don't know if God has a plan. God is apparently ineffable, so I guess nobody knows. But I have never liked the idea.

Because really, God, is this the best you can do?

I've also mulled, in an extremely amateurish way, over the difference between predestination and free will. Which, I don't know if you noticed, was the theme of the movie Forrest Gump.

Predestination supposedly means God DOES have a plan, and everything is on track! Yay for everybody going to heaven. Too bad for the rest of us.

Free will makes the idea of God's Plan a little nebulous. Not that I imagine god cares much about what I have for lunch. Or how often I have lunch. I hope he doesn't worry too much about other people missing lunch, or other meals, because it happens a lot. And I don't want God to suffer too.

But frankly, with all this planning, God doesn't really offer most people much of a to-do list. And those few who did get a memo, well let's just say that that is usually not their first problem.

And I could have used a to-do list! Pasted deep inside my heart! That I wasn't afraid to, you know, follow.

Afraid.

Recently I was offered the opportunity to see myself lip-syncing, in my early twenties, to a song from Grease. I refused. But I recognized that the people who care about me would probably enjoy it, so I did not beg them to destroy it.

Now I think it would be funny if it was on You Tube, although I am still not sure I can watch it myself.

I was not the person I wanted to be, for most of my life. I am still not the person I want to be. But I am totally ready to become that person, and every day I get a little closer. And every day I get a little braver.

And last night, I slept.

(This is where I would thank god, but I really only say that figuratively, because I am actually an agnostic.)

Today, in the ongoing battle to a) figure out what my dreams are and b) LIVE THEM, I played around on someecards.com, and practiced the funny. And the painfully true.

And I asked for a job in person!

Next, I might open some of my more scary mail.

The day is still young.