26 August, 2011

Feeling estranged from myself

I would like to write a funny or serious article here on something I heard once or maybe even thought of on my own, but it's hot, I'm sticky, and I feel like I need a WHAAAAAmbulance.

I hung out with my friends last night and had a blast, but I stayed a little too late, and was beat heading back home the 40 or so miles from Seattle to Tacoma.

And then there was something hanging out of my car door making a racket I couldn't identify without stopping and checking.

And the brakes did not feel right, and scared me, so I pulled over and called my mommy, and waited, brain dead and divorced from my situation, for about a half an hour to get home even later. But glad I didn't have to drive it not trusting the brakes.

With my four year old nephew in the car.

He was totally cool and mellow, which was great. And my mom is a trouper, through and through.

And I woke today missing a good feeling I usually have, which is connected.

I'm not sure connected to what.

But without it I am not bubbly and effervescent, I am leaden and heartsick. I doubt myself, and find fault with all the cool things I didn't think to do right the first time.

Is it hormonal? Situational? Am I irritable and moody? Is my cosmic connection irrevocably severed?

I try to keep my stress to a minimum, carefully. I try to harness my resources frugally, because boom and bust is not for me. But my resources this month are qualitatively and quantitatively different from the last gazillion years, and it feels like I am running or wrecked. Surfing or sinking. All or nothing.

Maybe my all will grow hardy enough to last all day long, day after day.

That's kind of what I'm going for. I mean, good enough is great for investment, but for return?

I want it all.

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