I am always on a need to know basis. Because I have always. Needed. To Know.
I used to be satisfied about knowing things. Or, more to the point, uncomplicated things. But in the last couple of years, as I have been attempting to sort myself out and get all parts of myself moving in the same direction in the same time, that has changed.
And now all I want to know is people. And I'll ask. And I'll tell all, because that's only fair. But, because I am irrationally afraid of risk, I, sadly, do not have a lot to tell.
I didn't get enough sleep last night. The now of writing this, as opposed to the now of later this week, when I will post it. I was wrestling with an irrational fear of betrayal, which is only tragically more common than actual betrayal, in the totally NOT comedy gold sense of betrayal. And I digress.
Say I meet someone, and they tell me they got divorced last year? My next question, almost before they have finished their thought?
What went wrong?
Because what ever they think about it? Precious to me. Helpful to me. Because I am so irrationally afraid of risk and betrayal that I have never been married, and have never really tried to snag myself a man. After that first boyfriend, anyway. :)
I changed my mind about the risk. During a short period which I am totally willing to actually characterize as literally crazy. A year and a half ago. Which I totally don't regret, because the craziest thing I did about my irrational hopes and dreams of that week and a half? I started a weight loss program. Which was way past due.
Now this need to know approach is as gentle and sensitive to the person in front of me as I can make it, and sometimes I totally refrain, because I definitely don't want to break open any old wounds. Other than my own.
And I think I may be projecting enough caring and love along with my sincere curiosity. Because these are tough questions. And nobody has started crying.
In my imagination, I am, of course, a psychologist. Or maybe a life-coach. I don't know. I haven't worked out the details. Maybe a writer, just writing a script for the best movie ever. With a psychologist in it.
Who sits with their client, who opens his heart. The Psychologist waits for him to stop.
And asks, "Do you want to know what I think?"
And he says, "Yes."
And that moment, my friend, is comedy. Because it is completely true. And because it is also tragedy.
Because it is completely false.
In my imagination. Which is a little unrealistic, because I think what the psychologist is supposed to do is help frame the right question, not add new external judgement to sort through.
I rarely get anybody asking what I think anymore. Probably because I am so free with it anymore, nobody wonders. Or they do have a good idea that they might not want to know. Because what I want to do?
Open that can of worms.
But me first, my friend, me first.