25 August, 2011

I am the Jackass

I have a recurring bad feeling. It's a lot like a recurring bad dream, except I'm totally awake, and I can't always identify why I feel this way.

This recurring bad feeling may be guilt. Or some flavor of anxiety. Or some part of recovering from depression. Or some kind of existential angst. Perhaps the fallout from yet another of my many, MANY irrational worries.

I do not suffer that frequently from this miasma of doom/self disgust or whatever it is. But when I do, I just want to crawl under a rock to get away from myself, or find something to take the blame for so I can apologize and try to fix thing and have some redemptive journey to transform the inside of me from something like 'this' to something that feels good.

It's a lot easier to deal with when I am certain that I have failed in some way.

Now I am not certain. I don't think anybody is mad at me. But it feels like maybe the universe is, and I don't like this feeling.

Speaking of failing in some way, did you know I actually am a jackass? It's true! In an earlier post I glancingly talked about some of my confidantes as best friends, friends, and one total jackass. Which I thought was hilarious because it was SO untrue. And because some ridiculously non-zero number of them might not get that it was a joke, or search for the truth beneath the veil, and wonder if I meant them.

And slowly my chuckles faded away as I realized the jackass probably was me, because I am actually mean-spirited and thought it was funny that one of my friends might suffer these self doubts.

I don't really want to get over-dramatic about this, because I am not that mean spirited. I'm totally happy with the goodness I put into the world most of the time. But it's times like these when I wonder if periodically feeling like the jackass who ruined everything is just something biochemical happening in me, or emotional fallout from some setback (whether under my control or not), or what.

Maybe my inner spirit wants me to be doing something, and I am not getting the hint. And is now throwing disappointment into the mix.

The reason I have always known that I am not a mind reader is largely because I do not even know my own mind as often as I'd like. Or I figure out years later!

Plus there's the fact that I can't take a hint. I don't even see the hint! Indirect communication is a little round about in every case, but in my case it's just like a road going right on by.

Sometimes I think back on some interaction that seemed a little bit, I don't know, higher-energy than normal, and wonder.

But right now I have no interactions like that, except with myself. And I love feeling more high-energy than normal!

But I'd rather be able to pin the feeling like I am missing important signals to some kind of actual message, other than having my car towed. And also needing to get the brakes checked RIGHT NOW.

I know what to do about my car, but I do not know what to do about my life.

Just keep on trucking, I guess.

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